Repost: Identifying a Dysfunctional Relationship

7 Signs of Addictive Relationships

How to Recognize an Unhealthy Marriage or Partnership

by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

May 2007

Intimate relationships can improve your life, or make it miserable! Here are seven sign signs of addictive relationships (which generally make life miserable).

These signs of addictive relationships will help you recognize an unhealthy marriage or partnership – because they can be hard to see, especially when you’re in the middle of it.

Some psychologists believe that if you grew up in a dysfunctional home, your chances of being in a dysfunctional or addictive relationship are higher. You feel like you’re not worthy of being loved so you settle for a partner who treats you badly. This could be obvious abuse or the less obvious addictive relationship.

What is an Addictive Relationship?

According to Terence Gorski in Why Do I Keep Doing That? an addictive relationship involves one person who is self-centered and extremely independent. This partner (let’s call him Selfish Sam – but it could just as easily be Selfish Sally) believes he’s entitled to whatever he wants whenever he wants it. He surrounds himself with people who support his opinions of himself. The other partner (we’ll call her Dependant Debbie but it could be Dependent Darren) is dependent and other-centered, and willing to mirror whatever the first partner wants. She’s simply a reflection of him. This is how addictive relationships work.

About addictive relationships Gorski says, “It works until the other-centered person runs out of steam one night and doesn’t have enough energy to mirror back what is needed. The relationship is going to blow up. Addictive relationships do not necessarily have to have self-centered and other-centered partners, but it’s the norm.”

7 Signs of Addictive Relationships

1. Dishonesty. Neither Sam nor Debbie talks about who they are or what’s really bothering them. They lie about what they want. This turns communication into an addictive relationship.
2. Unrealistic expectations. Both Sam and Debbie think the other will solve their self-esteem, body image, family, and existential problems. They believe the “right relationship” will make everything better. Yet, they’re in a disastrous addictive relationship.
3. Instant gratification. Sam expects Debbie to be there for him whenever he needs her; he needs her to make him happy immediately. He’s using her to make him feel good, and isn’t relating to her as a partner or even a human being. She’s a like drug. An addictive relationship drug.
4. Compulsive control. Debbie has to act a certain way, or Sam will threaten to leave her. Both feel pressure to stay in this addictive relationship; neither feel like they’re together voluntarily.
5. Lack of trust. Neither partner trusts the other to be there when the chips are down. They don’t believe the other really loves them, and they don’t believe genuine caring or liking exists. At some level they know they’re not in a healthy but rather in an addictive relationship.
6. Social isolation. Nobody else is invited into their relationship – not friends, family, or work acquaintances. People in addictive relationships want to be left alone.
7. Cycle of pain. Sam and Debbie are trapped in a cycle of pleasure, pain, disillusionment, blaming, and reconnection. The cycle repeats itself until one partner breaks free of the addictive relationship.

Addictive relationships can change, if both partners are self-aware and willing to do what it takes. In some cases an objective viewpoint (such as counseling) helps; other times, self-control and mutual accountability are all that’s needed to turn the addictive relationship around.

Read more: http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/7_signs_of_addictive_relationships#ixzz0S2Zh70PI

The Psychology of Infidelity

The psychology of infidelity is an important area to seek knowledge in, especially if you are in a committed relationship.

 

 

 

 

Infidelity  is the act of unfaithfulness to a person, union or situation.

 

There is a significant amount of time dedicated to the subject. Everything from talk shows to weekly dramas, rely on the topic of infidelity for ratings.

How to avoid and/or survive infidelity are usually the topics. But rarely does one address the psychology of infidelity. People cheat for various reasons – but they all do it for some sort of psychological stimulation. Here are the main psychological roots of infidelity.

Insecurity

 

Insecure adulterers may feel insecure about the fortitude of their relationship. The insecurity may be personal, whereas one feels unworthy of their significant other. They don’t feel on equal level to their relationship and always fear that they will lose their boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse. The fear becomes great in these people and they seek ways to resolve it. Believing that the dissolution of their relationship is inevitable, they never consider options such as counseling. Instead they turn their attention to minimizing their fear and pain. This is where an affair enters. The affair serves as security for if the relationship ends (a backup plan). The adulterer feels that they have a safety net to rely upon. This underlying fear usual stems from failed relationships (parent’s divorce or prior failed marriage) and an overwhelming fear of being abandoned or alone. 

In the case of Insecurity, the cheat often chooses a second partner who they feel equal or superior to. This temporarily relieves their feelings of inadequacy.

 

Control

 

The controlling adulterer cheats in order to feel powerful. They may not have any, or what they deem to be enough control in their primary relationship. There are several ways in which lack of control manifests into an extra-relational affair. The adulterer may choose a person who is easily controllable. This is prevalent in domineering types and/or boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses who are dominated. Since in their primary relationship they relinquish control, sometimes to the point of abuse, they resolve their frustrations in an extramarital affair which in some cases can be, itself, abusive to the secondary partner.

 

The second way one feels controlling in an affair is the ability to choose and select. In a relationship, compromise is essential. Many couples do it willingly, but some do it unwillingly. Having an affair, especially an unserious one, allows the adulterer to control how, when and where the relationship unfolds. One can establish the rules and manipulate them to one’s advantage-limiting them to physical-only or a secondary relationship in which they can come and go or demand of their secondary partner with no effort to allow or negotiate the other person’s feelings. The inability or unwillingness to compromise is solved through having a controlling affair. One can even create and control a new personal image through an affair. For example, in the affair the adulterer can avoid responsibility entirely–they may not keep promised schedules and enjoy the power of choosing how much or how little they spend on their secondary relationship. 

Neglect

 

This is the number one reason that adulterers cite for cheating. It is almost always the reason women cite for their extra-relational affairs. Everyone needs psychological stimulation (that sense of being wanted and desired). Without it one begins to suffer from mental and emotional neglect.

 

Sometimes, when a couple has been together for a long time, they begin to neglect each other. They don’t talk with or inquire about each other as often. They may even neglect to have sexual intercourse as often, or at all (or if it happens it is no longer intimate and open to fantasy or satisfying but rather mechanical). This type of neglect leaves a person feeling frustrated at best, and undesirable at worst.

 

Neglected people are the group that affairs find them; they don’t always look for or initiate affairs. The neglected ones can become like wounds in desperate need of a bandage. They may use work, religion or an affair, unknowingly, as their bandage. Or they can end up in an affair because somebody provided them with the attention that their significant other  had neglected to give them.

These affairs may appear as extra-hours at work so he/she  can avoid the unsatisfying relationship and replace it with time spent with someone who values them. Although most “neglect” affairs are physical, there has been a recent surge in emotional adultery where the neglected boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse conduct the extra-relationship online–receiving there the spark, value and satisfaction they no longer receive at home.

 

The psychology of infidelity is an important area to seek knowledge in, if you are in a committed relationship. Often times we blame others and ourselves when an affair occurs in our relationship. If we understand various personality types and individual needs, one can tailor a relationship that will prevent infidelity and promote a happy union.

 

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